The Fantastic Four

I'm going to make this short like my tolerance for this movie.
Well i was fortunate enough to sneak in to see this....interesting piece of work. I'm not going to try to set it up, i just want to get into it.
This movie was built on one liners and retarded pun's that nobody over the age of 4 would laugh at. Seriously, the people who write those mentos commercials would be embarrassed to put their name on this, mediocre product. I said to myself walking into the theatre: "There is no way it can be worse than the first one." I couldn't have been more wrong. The acting was amateur at best. The special effects were boring and it made me cringe to think that somebody thought this looked like a good piece of work. The plot made no sense whatsoever and the bad part is it left it wide open for a third movie. Let me see if i got this straight: They are trying to stop the world from being destroyed by galacticus (more on him later) but first they have to get the silver surfer on their side, so that the big G-man won't eat their planet, or absorb it or whatever he does to it. All while trying to make you feel like you are watching some romantic comedy among the four of them. Oh and somehow the bad guy from the last movie comes back and tries to kill them all.
So first lets look at some things i didn't like about it.
The bad guy from the last movie is back and....pretty much the same. You know, shoots lightning from his hands.....yea thats it. He does however look like Darth Sidious's gay black-sheep cousin. Are all supervillians going to go for the dark cloak look? Don't you know you have to be pretty old to pull that off? Anways, he comes alive, gets a mechanic to take off his man in the iron mask thing, promptly kills him, gets some huge computer laboratory going, gets a chopper to fly him to the north pole only to be punched in the face by silver man (and somehow gets it all on tape) and returns to share his story and pretend to be working for the Fantastic 4. Its just gay thats all. I think Nip/Tuck should stick with the cutting people open, he's much better at that.
Now Galacticus. There is really nothing more to this cosmic hurricane Katrina then it eats planets and is big. Didn't galacticus have at least a face in the comics? Whatever, even if he did it wouldn't make this horrible attempt of a movie any better.
Its almost sad to see how little talent Jessica Alba has now. Her acting consisted mainly of holding her hands in the air at something while getting a bloody nose. I don't even want to think about it. It was abysmal though.

I don't know what else to say, this movie was slightly worse then terrible. Jonny Depp's hairstyle had more personality than this movie. These have got to be the most boring super-heroes on the planet. You want a good sequel to the first one? Just watch the incredibles twice, they have pretty much the same powers only they are far more interesting.
Did anyone else notice that they made a trip to Latrevia? Last time i checked the globe on Google Earth, thats not a country, or even a place. Thats just one of many examples of what great lengths they will go to make this movie as crappy as possible. It doesn't explain where silver surfer comes from, where he goes, all we know is that he kills billions of people on thousands different planets because he wants to save his girlfriend, who he never gets to see because Katrina (galacticus) has him working 24/7. He decides to kill galacticus in some sort of self sacrificing cosmic human bomb all because Jessica alba looks kind of like his girlfriend back home on Zenn-la, or wherever he is from.
In the comics his punishment for betraying that cosmic dirt cloud was to be banished to earth. He has to live on earth as punishment. He could have been banished anywhere else, but they chose earth as ultimate punishment. What does that tell you? Bet earth doesn't look so great now does it?

The only good thing i can see coming out of this, is if they make like a Fantastic Four vs. Transformers or maybe Fantastic Four vs. Superman, or even Fantastic Four vs. anything, as long as they don't have to talk and they all get the crap beaten out of them. I would pay money to go see that. Otherwise, don't waste the 1.5 hours it took to watch this attempt to stimulate your brain. It probably only took that long to make this movie also. If you really want to waste your time, see if you can tie yourself up to the point you cant escape. I always wondered if that was possible.....


Oh and the silver surfer was really more of a chrome than silver. Just thought i should point that out.

My New Girlfriend

Ok, it has been way too long since my last post. Sorry about that. Lets get this out of the way now shall we?

So the other day, i was working with some other marines and one of them asked me "So doc, you have a girlfriend?" I replied with "No, I'm all alone" Partly joking, partly dying inside. Of course his next response was "Why not?" I wasn't really in the mood for talking about my dating habits so i tried to kill it with the classic: "I don't have time for a relationship" then i said something somewhat shocking even to myself. Without hesitating i said "The military is my girlfriend" I thought that was an odd choice of words, but it seemed to satisfy him as an appropriate response. I didn't really think much of it at the time, but later that night it was all i could think about.

Married to the military. It's stupid to think about, so i did it anyways. After lots of not sleeping, i thought "Hmmmm.... the military is like a relationship" Sometimes you love it, other times you want to strangle it with its own rope. You invest a lot of time into it to make it happy so it will get off your back, and sometimes it really lets you down. You spend money on it all just to keep it happy and hassle free. You hang out with it, you play with it (sometimes) and waste lots of energy on it. You put up with it when it's in a bad mood and you tolerate it, and sometimes feel like it takes you for granted. It's really like a girlfriend who you hate but don't want to break up with yet until she lets you drive her overly protective dad's car when he is not around.

Then I got to thinking how every job is like a relationship. It has needs of you, it wants you and you want it (but for totally opposite reasons) and it demands at least 40 hours a week from you to keep it happy. A job is like a rich girlfriend who pays you to hang out with it, and we all know that if your getting paid to hang out with your girlfriend, she must be pretty ugly, which most company's are on the inside. You give it time and energy and it gives you money. It's a very nice give and take relationship. Actually, it's more like prostituting your body, mind and soul 5 times a week and some holidays. It's not just a relationship but it's a family too. It has parents you have to meet and get along with (Bosses, parent corporations, ect), Grandparents (Founders and CEO's) and brothers and sisters (branches and divisions). It wants you to look good for it so it looks like its being good to you. A lot like a battered wife i guess. And you have to present yourself professionally otherwise you will have big problems. And everyone else who works there isn't dating the same girl (job), but rather dating its best friend who is just like it in every way only slightly different. This "Job/girlfriend" is very clingy too. It always wants more from you, more time, more activities more little meetings and get-togethers of all sorts so you can enjoy work more than you want to. It wants to keep your morale up so you don't get bored with it or cheat on it with a newer, younger company who does things this company doesn't do, or something to that effect.

It was coming to be about 2:10 in the morning, and it was about this time when I realized that life is a relationship. A relationship in which there is no escape except when God decides to grace you with the sweet, sweet release of death. Life treats you both good and bad but either way, you're stuck with it no matter what. Life takes a lot of hard work and costs a lot of money and somehow has the nerve to act like you owe it something in the end. It has a tendency to treat you poorly (just like a bad girlfriend or boyfriend) and then turn around and act like everything's cool between you two. It gets happy and sad, it has emotions just like a person. And that's when I realized that I am somehow stuck in a relationship with myself. I sometimes don't like myself, I get mad at myself and I always find me talking to myself. I sing to myself (when no one is around of course) I get bothered with myself and I like to spend money on myself. I don't like when myself flirts with other peoples selves, I want to make sure myself is safe and I like to make sure myself feels good about itself (myself). This creates quite a problem you see, because whenever I (me, not it(myself)) do something that myself (it not I (me)) doesn't approve of, there are consequences that must be dealt with because I am not the only one my actions are affecting anymore. So now when I (me) want to do something, I have to make sure we (us) agree on it so our issues are resolved in a timely manner. What a horrible thing to stumble upon. Everyone is in a gay relationship with themselves! And there is nothing we can do about it! Do you ever not like youself sometimes? Thats the other you not liking the....well....other you. We are all stuck dating ourselves and now we have to live with it. This is our permanent spouse: Us.
What a breakthrough. I should really invest more time into this, but i have to be at work in like, 4 hours so, Later.
~ian

TQ, Christmas in Iraq and the Truth about Santa.

Dear friends.
First, I am going to talk about my adventures in Al Taqatum. Wow, did I get to see some crazy stuff over there. Our main job in flying casevac is to keep the patient alive during flight. This is easier than it sounds because really the job should be called “don’t kill the patient and you’ll be fine.” 90% of the patients are stable once you get them and rarely do they crash on you while in flight. One guy we got had a gunshot wound to his head, but he is alive to tell the tale. Another guy we had was some army guy who shot himself in the foot with a flare and got burned up pretty badly. Were we surprised by that? Not in the least. Other than that it was a pretty good two weeks. Got some good footage and I will try to share with you when I can.

Holidays in Iraq summed up in one word: Verymuchlikeeveryotherday. Yes that’s right, the military isn’t very big on the holidays, especially in a foreign country surrounded by terrorists. We haven’t had many bombings lately, so I guess the insurgents are giving us a holiday break, which is nice of them. We’ll have to drop them presents from the sky some time. Oh wait we already do, in a manner of speaking (for those of you who didn’t get that, I am, of course, talking about bombs). What am I doing for Christmas you ask? Well take a guess…. If you guessed crying myself to sleep and screaming into my pillow, you’re only half right. The rest of the time I will be going to a BBQ that is supposed to kick off here in about 45 minutes along with stuffing myself with enough sugar to give a full grown horse diabetes while listening to “Daddy drank our Christmas money” by TVTV$ and “Christmas; Night of Zombies” by MxPx (both actual bands and songs). That’s how we do Christmas in the Suck this year.

And the last of the topics is something I’m sure you’ve all read before and if not, here it is. I used to whip this out during the holiday season to bring everyone down for a while. It’s kind of long, so I’ve highlighted the need to know parts.
Here is the truth about Santa:

After much research, we present the annual aeronautical engineers report on the theory of Santa:
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us do at lease once every 31 hours, plus eating etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.

If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an 8 ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000 / 3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) can pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9, reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa, being very conservative in terms of guessing Santa's weight, would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

A Merry Christmas to one and all!!

Chuck Almighty

Dear Everyone.
Sorry for the absence, things have been busy here. I want to catch you all up on things.
Well I will be flying out for TQ sometime in December, not sure when yet though. Still waiting for the response.
Here’s some good news, Chuck Norris came by to visit us. I saw him but didn’t actually get to talk to him. He was signing autographs at the chow hall. In honor of his visit, I have decided to post my favorite Chuck Norris Facts here for you all to enjoy. These are facts which may or may not have been proven yet, but are probably true.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

And one of my personal favorites:

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
I hope you all take this to heart. I’ll talk to you all later.
~ian

Krazy Mr. Jong, when will he learn...

Dear Everyone
What is wrong with Kim Jong ill? And I don’t mean why is he so freaking ugly, I mean what is the problem with everything about him? Why is he so stupid? He’s such a baby all the time. Now he has nuclear weapons or whatever. Does he think we’re just going to sit back and say “Well… that’s that.” He’s so retarded! I hope he knows how much we hate him altogether. I think the collective hate of all us Americans is what keeps him stuck in N Korea. Where are the world police when you need them? I hope he knows how stupid he looks 99.98% of the time. Lets look into a few known facts about this “Beloved Leader” From the 3rd world country of NK:

1. He is known to love cinema and ordered the 1978 kidnapping of a South Korean actress and her director husband to run North Korea's film studio. Now that’s just crazy in itself. Why would you kidnap someone to run a film studio? Just enjoy the flicks from across the DMZ like the rest of us.

2. He has spoken in public only once (because he’s a psychopath) and he has a taste for fine wines and Hennessy cognac, a weakness that costs him up to $800,000 a year. $800,000 a year! A YEAR people!!! Good lord, he drinks himself stupid on a lifelong binge of cognac, (and the American equivalent of paint thinner) and his own people are dying on the street. I can’t see why we all hate him so much. What else….

3. Every grain of rice he eats is inspected for visual flaws. And it is cooked only in the traditional manner, over a wood fire, the fuel felled from the forests of North Korea's highest mountain. This guy seriously lives in a fantasy land of fairies and wizards. It makes me want to strangle him with his few hairs.

4. About 2 million people are believed to have starved to death in North Korea in the 1990s amid bad harvests and decades of economic bungling. As Kim tucked into gourmet meals, his people survived by eating tree bark, weeds and roots. How disgusting is that? Does that not make you want to do horrible things to him? How can this dude get away with this? It’s not because he is taller than anyone around him that’s for sure, and it certainly isn’t because he has a great haircut all the time. So what is it? I don’t get it; couldn’t all his people join forces and just step on him or something?
Either way I don’t think he’s going away anytime soon. Hopefully we don’t get deployed over there either. Do you know how miserable it would be in Korea? Well, that wouldn’t be for quite some time anyways.
I’m done talking about Mr. Mentally ill for now. Right now he’s #2 on my list. Cant wait to get to three.
~ian

Whats the problem this time?

Dear Everyone.
Well I just have to say, we’ve been watching the news over here and let me tell you, this whole news about the Muslims getting pissed off about something the Pope said really aggravates me. I know lots of people aren’t going to like this but what is wrong with Muslims? I’m not talking about all Muslims, just the radical “crazy” ones who go nuts over any little thing. They’re always mad about something and if they aren’t burning effigies at something or someone, they’re just ticked off at the U.S. in general. The Pope mentions something about their prophet teaching hate and how do they react? They burn churches and kill nuns. Well I’m convinced. Don’t they realize what they’re doing? All this is achieving is perpetuating the classic Muslim “Kill the infidels!” stereotype. Who cares what the pope says, does anyone listen to him anyways? So why would they react in such a violent way to something the pope, somebody they don’t even respect, had to say about Muhammad or whatever. Why cant they just act like civilized people for once in their lives? Heck, once in their ENTIRE EXISTANCE! All they are known for is praying a ridiculous amount, starting wars and terrorizing people. So far they’ve accomplished 2 out of 3 just in this paragraph alone.

Now I’m not here to judge, but it seems they aren’t getting their butt’s kicked hard enough by the U.S. as it is, so I suggest we take it up a notch. Why don’t we have every terrorist come out of his cave, put on a fresh pair of underwear (soon to be soiled) and meet us face to face. Of course that would never happen because that’s what makes them terrorists in the first place. They are too weak to influence people the normal way, so they resort to terrorizing people into getting what they want. Why did the pope have to say anything in the first place? Does he even know what he’s talking about? This is a classic example of; “If you don’t have anything nice to say about Muslims, don’t say anything at all.” Unfortunately for them that’s not the case. We already learned that cartoons send them right over the edge so of course anything that isn’t praise is probably going to be received as sheer hatred. The Pope could have kept his big Holy mouth shut and saved me from spewing a whole bunch of verbal diarrhea in the general Muslim direction.

Now that I’ve calmed down, I have to go work. The Mexican president better not do anything else imprudent. He’s next on my list of Ridiculous things that irritate me.

~ian

So much Noise!

Well it’s still hot out here. I guess that’s pretty much the norm. I am sorta used to all the harriers and jets flying over. I still can’t believe how loud it gets around here. It’s almost deafening every time something flies over. It feels like your head is about to explode if your too close to the flightline. Don't get me wrong, it is pretty cool to see jets take off and land all the time, but sometimes I don't know if it's worth it. They keep at least one prowler in the air at all times for security reasons. Their job is to fly over cities, detect IED’s with whatever high-tech thing they have, and alert troops on the ground so they can destroy it. That’s all they do out here. The unit I am out here with is VMFA 242, and you can see some of the bombs they have dropped online at youtube.com or any other web site like that.

I cant stress this enough, the noise is mind-numbingly aggravating and I don’t think I will be able to stand it much longer. As I’m typing this, multiple jets have taken off and landed and every time it happens the table starts shaking and everyone else starts looking around. How can I describe it? When a jet lands, it sounds exactly like a rocket is about to hit something. I will try to catch it on video for you all. Hey is there a place online where I can post videos? If so, I will post some footage and you can see how things are in more perspective.

Let’s see, what else is going on right now? Oh, we just got our company vehicle, which just so happens to be an ambulance. They also gave us a Hummer, but that’s only for emergencies. I am taking a hummer driving class on Wednesday which I hear is pretty easy.
I guess I stressed a lot about the noise. I just hate it so much. Next time I will stress about something else.
That’s all for now. I’ll keep you updated at least once a week.
Love
~ian

This is a toe we had to cut out because it was ingrown. Fun stuff.